BE MY FOLLOWER!

I have started a new blog; a blog with a little more of a direction, if you will. So, if I don't update THIS blog (and, let's face it....do I ever update?) it's probably because all of my energy is going into THIS BLOG!

Whoa! It's hard to grasp.

But, seriously, I will probably still do some paint drawings in this one.

Are tears hydrating? Can I drink them?

This morning was rough.

I was awake too early. Patrick left me to be "up early and productive" instead of laying in bed and complaining with me. I forgot my delicious left-overs in the fridge and I was late leaving the house.

Oh joyful Thursday.

Delicious Chickenless Terriyaki

The tears are so abundant you cannot see my body

Part of the reason I was late leaving the house was my need to take a special coffee mug to work. I knew that I needed a pick-me-up and cocaine was just not an option. I decided to double my dose of caffeine and drink it in style!

Isn't he adorable?!?! Don't you love him?!? THANKS MOM! There is absolutely nothing to be but cheerful when sipping hot coffee out of this little guy's skull. 

So, my morning progressed and I was still not feeling quite myself. My owl mug---let's call him Glen---was still working his magic, but he seemed so lonely; especially after I finished drinking my 14 cups of coffee. 

Glen and his new friend Tim

I wasn't going to eat that Tangelo anyway, I am still too distraught about my leftovers. And I have an almost full bottle of Thousand Island dressing in the mini-fridge. It's VEGAN. Gross, right? But I love it. 

Pretty soon I will take a field trip to the Post Office and the Public Library; this day is already looking up!

Is Meatless Monday a real thing?

Regardless of whether or not it is, I love any excuse to cook with a theme! Although, technically, every day is a meatless day in my world---of enchantment and intrigue. Anyway, last night I decided to roll up my sleeves and make Beef-less Brisket courtesy of The Shannons!

This recipe was time intensive, but super simple; and it was so tasty that neither Patrick nor I minded that we didn't eat dinner until 9 PM. Besides, dinner and Tron (the original) is a fantastic combination ANY time of day!

We rounded out the meal with Brussel sprouts and crusty bread. I am thrilled that there was enough to take to work today, too! 

Now, what to make for Meatless Tuesday... 

Life inside the Matrix

Oh, this day is a beast.

My eyes are starting to feel like the bar-code scanning machine at the grocery store and the library. And I just scratched a bite on my leg to the point of drawing blood. And I still have 1 hour and 20 minutes left of work.

Things that I am looking forward to because in spite of This Day life in general is pretty great:

1. Tonight I am going to Robocop at Central Cinema! How I have never seen Robocop in it's entirety is absurd. Patrick says it is one of the saddest movies he has ever seen. I am looking forward to drinking beer and having a good cry. However, as far as robot movies go, nothing can be as much of a tearjerker as:

2. At long last I have replaced my broken and outdated (prescription wise---NOT fashion wise) eyeglasses! Because my lens strength is attempting to correct practical blindness, the glasses won't be ready until next week or so. Nonetheless, it is one more thing to mark of my imaginary to-do list.

3. I have several "projects" in mind that I will be undertaking within the next week. Said projects are of a top-secret nature and will be revealed upon completion and receipt by affected parties. (I a) watch too many Bond movies and b) work in a lawyer's office).

4. My bed has clean sheets!

5. I have updated my blog TWO DAYS IN A ROW!!!!

PDX-cellent Anniversary!

Seeing as how mid-March is rapidly becoming late March, I have decided to update the ol' blog. Who knew it would be so difficult to write everyday? Oh, wait, Nano!

Patrick and I recently celebrated our 4 year anniversary. Shock and awe! We decided to take the train to Portland and spend money on food and booze and arcade games in celebration. It was time and money well spent. I could've used about 2 extra days and maybe one more dip in the hot tub, but overall the trip was great fun!

This was our train riding kit, or Trainkit:

It had everything we could possibly need for a 3.5 hour journey after a full day of work. Yes, that is 7 hour energy as opposed to the weaker, 5 hour stuff. Originally the mustard was for the pretzels, but it soon became apparent that not only do Patrick and I share a deep and meaningful love for one another, we also share a deep and meaningful love of condiments and eating them directly out of the package. And the orange is for health reasons, obviously.

Our first stop post train station was Plan B. 

John @ Plan B - Photo by Kyle Ritter

I don't know John, or Kyle, but I found this photo online and it pretty much sums up the bar. Joyce's boyfriend's band played and it was stellar! I even got to record the show because Joyce forgot her ID and couldn't get into the bar. SO SAD, but she made it back in time for the last song and that's great news! 

Joyce and I played a couple of intense games of Jenga, Patrick played pool and we finished off the evening with 2 giant pizzas from Sizzle Pie. I didn't get a picture of the pizzas because they disappeared RIGHT BEFORE OUR EYES! 

The rest of the weekend was a blur of good food, GREAT friends and some pretty spectacular thrift store finds!

Our next Portland Adventure will hopefully be for Memorial Day weekend. I did not spend ANY time at the food carts, which I happen to love more than anything---sorry, Patrick. There are also several bakeries that need my support. And, of course, the hot tub. I LOVE YOU PORTLAND! (And Jeremy and Joyce!)

When did mid-March happen?

I'm doing a stand-up job blogging! Just kidding. I actually forgot that I had a blog until I got an e-mail from the public library telling me that all those young adult books I checked out weeks ago are due. Oops! I read them though, and that is a success story.

My wonderful and amazing mother came to visit last week! She stayed for 3 nights and it was jam packed. We went to the a drag show, down to the market, and drank Bloody Mary's and beer! Truth be told, my favorite part of the visit was Winston.

He is Jack's new dog. Jack is super lucky. Winston loves beer and sleeping; he hates garbage trucks, but is fond of sea gulls. It is like we are destined to be best friends forever. 

Can we talk for a minute about how much I love The Moonlight Cafe? SO much. Now, can we talk about how much I dislike Kai's in the U-District? When given the choice I will always choose a dive bar over some place trendy and/or hip. I am that person. Kai's seemed like the perfect place to quench my Bloody Mary thirst and that is how my mom, myself and 6 others ended up there last Friday morning. It was sunny outside, but inside it was dark and quiet. The walls were deep red and the patrons consisted of a couple on their way out and a middle-aged man eating french fries at the bar. So far, so good.

The bar tender was older, maybe 45-50, and he came out and helped us push together some tables. And that was the extent of his kindness. It would be an understatement to say that he was abhorred when all we wanted were drinks. Kai's was rumored to have phenomenal Bloody Mary's, so I eagerly anticipated the arrival of my drink. Now, it was not a bad drink, but it was lacking in the garnish department---which is my favorite part, and there was no straw. I don't know if that's just "Ellen being crazy" or if straws in drinks are something that is okay to expect, but it was sort of difficult to drink out of the glass with a 1/2 inch of salt creeping into my nostrils. Out of sheer guilt, my mom and I ordered fries. They were garlic shoestring fries and  pretty standard. Delicious. Mmmm.....garlic. The reason I will never go back (which is probably untrue, but I definitely won't seek out this destination for future U-District outings) is because of the mean old man bartender. Those damn drinks cost just as much as the food on the menu. He was glare-y and disapproving and made me feel like I was paying with Monopoly money. (Okay, that my mom was paying with Monopoly money, but still.)

In a mere 75 minutes I will be rendezvousing at the library to pick up my fake beard/mustache combo for the Purim party at my house tomorrow. I will be dressing as Haman and eating delicious hamentaschen and drinking wine. Pictures to follow.  

I leave you with this:

Internal Affairs

I am not sure who I have to thank, (Patrick) but I am now the proud owner of an AMAZING stomach virus! It's been pretty fantastic. I imagine my insides to look something like this:

So angry. So unhappy. So surrounded my Pepto Bismol.

My most cherished memory of sickness comes from 1994. What a great year. Tonya Harding put Nancy Kerrigan in her place...with a hit man and a crow bar, Schindler's List won the Oscar for Best Picture, Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman experienced The Wrath of OJ, and Lisa Marie and Michael Jackson got married. In the sleepy town of Billings, Montana my 6th grade class was playing a rousing game of Around The World!

Around the World is competitive mathematics. It involves everyone sitting at their desks (or, THE WORLD) and one student standing behind each individual--one at a time--and racing that student to the math answer to the question projected onto the white board from the old, clunky projector in the middle of  THE WORLD. If the seated student wins he/she takes over as the World Traveler and the game goes on and on and on.

I was not feeling well that day and instead of participating I had decided to lay my head down. Eventually my teacher woke me up. Eventually, as in the game had ended, the lights had been turned on, kids were dragging their desks back to their spots and I was still dead asleep next to the projector.

I ambled home shortly thereafter, informed my parent's that I didn't feel well and went to bed for three days- hoping that my God awful stomach pain would subside. After three days of sleep and little else, I emerged from my cave of a bedroom dehydrated and starving. My stomach felt fine! I was cured! My mom made a bed on the couch for me and I devoured Ramen noodles (always a favorite) and an orange soda. The soda was probably Gatorade, now that I think about it, but whatever it was it tasted like the sweet nectar had only by unicorns, leprechauns and now me.

This joy, this comfort, lasted all of 17 minutes. The Ramen Noodles had been maggots! The orange nectar, poison! My body immediately rejected the feast and I feared that I would never get better. Perhaps I was an alien and could no longer survive in this host body. Maybe tomorrow I would wake up an inchworm, searching for a new pod. I'm pretty sure I had a fever.

At this point, my mom realized that if it turned out I wasn't an alien then surely there was a need to go to the doctor. And so we did. And Dr. Gunville told me within seconds that 1) my appendix had ruptured and 2) I needed to be in surgery yesterday.

This is what I imagine my insides looked like:

It felt exactly like that, too, especially when the doctor made me JUMP. I was in surgery within 10 minutes and my angry appendix was scraped out. And then I got to stay in the hospital for even LONGER because the little trooper infected me.

1994. Definitely a good year! And, magically, I feel so much better now.

In my dreams I'm beautiful. [flicks open two switchblades] And bad!

Valentine's Day was a little anticlimactic this year; more so than usual considering I don't really "celebrate". I had grandiose plans of making cake, but it didn't happen. Patrick got sick, so instead of baking I went to the store and got bread, Sprite and this.

Sigh. Poor Patrick.

On the up side, I made myself a delicious bowl of Ramen Noodles complete with tofu, onions and tomatoes and finally watched Inception.

I think I may be the last person on the planet to watch Inception. I was so excited, super ready for 2 1/2 hours of mind-blowing amazement.

Hm.

Perhaps if I hadn't heard anything about it I would have enjoyed it more. I actually did enjoy it, but it tried really hard to be ACTION PACKED and EXTREME while at the same time really deep and wrought with emotion. In reality it reminded me of a cross between A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors, and that Robin Williams movie, What Dreams May Come.

Given the choice I will pick Freddy Krueger EVERY TIME, but Inception wasn't bad. And my fancy Ramen was really good, so I can't complain. I am officially rescheduling Valentine's Day to Thursday. That is, I will be making a cake on Thursday and purchasing some discounted Valentine's to hand out next year. 

Books, check 'em out.

My roommate and her friend recently started this fantastic blog.

Young Adult fiction is, freakishly, my favorite genre. It's right up there with books about eating disorders and Jodi Picoult. My brother the librarian loves me--especially when I ask him to pick up my library holds.

After reading through all the entries and quietly crying at my desk because there were no new posts, I decided to reflect on all of my favorite Young Adult reads.

And so it goes:

1. Stepping on the Cracks - Mary Downing Hahn

I distinctly remember not being able to put this book down when I was eleven; World War II and Judaism also ranking high on the list of topics I enjoy reading about. The story follows two friends in a small southern town as they deal with brothers who are at war, and the school bully who has a HUGE SECRET! Duhn, duhn, duuuuuuuhn!

2. Wait Till Helen Comes - Mary Downing Hahn

Thank you Ms. Hahn for being awesome. In the one hand we have World War II, and in the other we've got ghost children. Sign me up! This book was another page-turner and probably still is. The story is about a family who moves to a giant farm house that used to be an old convent. There is a spoooooky cemetery nearby where the narrator's bratty, annoying, younger step-sibling is mysteriously drawn. So, the step-sister is, like, 5 years old but the picture on the jacket makes her look way older. And I also remember kind of wanting that sweatshirt.

3. Help, Pink Pig! - C.S. Adler

I love tiny things! Tiny furniture, Legos, Christmas ornaments...I could go on and on. This book is about a tiny, quartz pig who is MAGICAL. Yes, a tiny, magical pig made out of quartz. Amanda, the girl who owns him, can be transported into his enchanted kingdom full of knights and other magical things whenever she feels lonely. The enchanted world of Pink Pig mirrors Amanda's world, and some of her other miniatures are there too! I am pretty sure there is a tiny pony. Somehow it all ties together, but all I really remember and care about are the tiny magical miniatures.

4. Time Windows - Kathryn Reiss & The Dollhouse Murders - Betty Ren Wright

I am lumping these two together because a) the pictures are of a crappy quality and can't really stand alone and b) they are similar in the fact that they are both about creepy, haunted doll-houses! When I told you I loved tiny things, I wasn't lying. Apparently, I also love ghost children. I won't go into too much detail on these gems, but rest assured they are terrifying. Time Windows gave me the heebie jeebies when I re-read it years later, too.

Honestly, I could do this all day, but I am discovering that the majority of the books I loved as a young adult are all pretty similar. Betty Ren Wright also wrote another book that I loved called, Christina's Ghost. Yes, it involves ghost children, and no, there is no doll-house. And now I am off to place holds on every single one of these!

Q: What did Frankenstein say to his girlfriend? A: “Be my valenstein!”

Valentine's Day is bizarre. The only time I have ever truly enjoyed celebrating it was in elementary school; and even then it was because my mom would buy me a little box of chocolates and decorate my bedroom with construction paper hearts (yeah, she's pretty great like that).

One year I got an Orchid for Valentine's Day from the Safeway near my house (and my boyfriend's house---COINCIDENTALLY!). It was an awesome gift and I managed to keep it alive for awhile. And then I over watered it and now it sits, potted and dead on Patrick's windowsill. It's a reminder of how we feel about Valentine's Day.

This year I am going to bake a cake and decorate it like a giant conversation heart. I need suggestions for the "conversation" part, however. There are The Classics: Be Mine, Kiss Me, etc. And then there are some new and improved Millennium Conversations: In The Mood, E-Mail Me and Romeo (lame!). The Beauty of making a Conversation Heart Cake is that I can tailor it to my own Valentine's Day whims and desires.

Cupid's Creepy

Drink My Sperm

Remember the Massacre

Those are my top three as of right now, and don't worry, I will post the end result.

Like, totally tubular and AWESOME pizza skillz, dude!

I know that tension has been high. Everyone is wondering whether or not I pulled myself together and gave National Vegan Pizza Day the celebration it deserves. Rest your weary minds, I did. Not only did I celebrate National Vegan Pizza DAY, but I created National Vegan Pizza Weekend.

So mote it be!

Saturday night I was fit to be tied. And hip to be square. I had dough and some random things in my kitchen and only my mouth to feed. I decided to throw caution to the wind and create a pizza that had the potential to be awful, but that no one would ever have to taste if deemed poisonous.

The dough was homemade because I am that crazy person who has packet upon packet of Active Dry Yeast...so many jokes on the threshold...but beyond a mountain of crust (I doubled the recipe because in a past life I am pretty certain I lived during the Great Depression and as I result every time I cook I make enough food to feed Russia) I was at a loss. And then it dawned on me--in a crazy backward way; I made ravioli last week-ish! The ravioli had been filled with a delightful mixture of butternut squash, spinach, and smoked apple sage Field Roast Sausage. It was so super fantastic as ravioli filling, why wouldn't it be delicious on pizza?!?! Yeah, I know. For "sauce" I decided to take the easy route; I combined olive oil, garlic, crushed red pepper flakes, thyme and balsamic vinegar.



After this bad boy came out of the oven, I drizzled some balsamic vinegar atop and dug in. I almost died of pure pleasure. I cannot think of any adjectives to describe how stupendous this pizza was. Happy National Vegan Pizza Day to me (and Netflix---because my Saturday nights aren't lame EVER).

That pizza was so phenomenal that it immediately led to National Vegan Pizza Weekend. On Sunday I made two more gluttonous pizzas, but this time Patrick helped me eat them.

Behold Stuffed Crust Sausage (with peppers, black olives onion and mushroom and a traditional red sauce) and Taco (with Soyrizo, onions, tomatoes, black olives and a red sauce combo consisting of 1 part marinara and 2 parts salsa) PIZZA!!



The crust of the stuffed crust oozed with mozzarella Daiya; way better than the string cheese that Pizza Hut used to use.



I HATE THAT THERE ARE NO LEFTOVERS AS I TYPE THIS! (And yes, I realize it is Monday and I made these pizzas less than 24 hours ago.)

The Taco Pizza was topped with a mixture of mozzarella AND cheddar daiya!



And then, to make it more taco-y and similar to the taco pizza that the Godfathers of my youth offered, I topped it with lettuce, onion, tomato and black olives.



I am salivating.

National Vegan Pizza Day/Weekend may very well become National Vegan Pizza Month. The dam has broken (please, continue to hold your Active Dry Yeast comments). My mind overfloweth with the possibilities!

Yes, Vegan Pizza Month here we come. It's not quite National, but give it some time to catch on.

Mosquito Pizza, anyone?

Well, the time has come. Tomorrow is Vegan Pizza Day!

Yeah, I didn't know about it either, but that doesn't make me any less excited!! So excited in fact, that I immediately reached for my spiral bound notebook to jot down a grocery list. I will be making pizza all day tomorrow. All day. And I will be eating pizza all weekend. Why? Ahem:

Yum!

So, I reached for my notebook, opened to a random page and SCREAMED. Not from the sheer excitement and anticipation of the massive amounts of pizza I was going to consume in the near future, but because of the CARCASS on the page of my notebook.

It sat there, squished, like a delicate flower pressed and forever preserved. Not just a mosquito, but a Mosquito Hawk (aka Crane Fly). The quarter is a size reference.

Ew. It's still there and will remain there forever because it is permanently embedded into the page.

How am I supposed to make pizza now?!

A Guaranteed Healthy Immune System/My Tribute to Jack LaLanne

As a vegan I am sometimes asked the questions, "How do you get enough protein?" and "Don't you find yourself getting sick all of the time?"

I hold my rotund Santaesque belly and chuckle in response. Protein? That is why fake meat was invented! Not to mention the giant bowl of peanuts that sit on my coffee table. My roommate's parent's often have the same protein concern for their son and thus have been shipping a 10 lb box of shelled peanuts across country twice yearly.

Now, as far as getting sick? I have developed a sure-fire method to strengthen my immune system and resist most (if not all) forms of bacteria and infection. There are two steps involved; the first step being a healthy dose of alcohol on an almost daily basis. The final step: don't be afraid to eat things that you find on the street.

When Patrick and I were young and in love we took a stroll to the nearby Goodwill. It was probably a 2.5 mile stroll and as we neared our destination I was growing faint with hunger. Suddenly, Patrick spotted a collection of hard candy piled on the sidewalk. It was still wrapped and, as mentioned, was hard candy---none of this "injecting poison into a mini candy bar" stuff. For obvious health reasons (I was not about to die on the street outside of Goodwill) we ate the candy. And it was delicious. And I have never regretted it.

This morning Patrick and I found ourselves walking yet again (because I am the picture of health---as all vegans are). We turned the corner and happened upon a lost and forlorn seeming bagged lunch. Poor kid, but lucky us! Patrick took the orange and I took the celery and carrots (wrapped in saran wrap, but sort of squished). I ate my street veggies at lunch today and after I got over the guilt of the hungry 10 year old (whatever, like he was really going to eat the street veggies) I felt significantly healthier. And now that I am enjoying a glass of wine I am, dare I say, in peak condition.

So, whether it be street candy, a street orange or street veggies, eat up! It will only make you healthier in the end.

The Karaoke Dilemma & I COOKED!

I slept in until close to 11 AM on Saturday morning. It felt like sleeping in until dusk. The night before had been a whirlwind of rockabilly and Miller High Life that ended, begrudgingly, at 3 AM. Why, you ask? Let me explain.

Have you ever been to a karaoke bar? I love to sing. I was even in a band. Yet, karaoke eludes me. I go to these bars, and sometimes I even sing, but people in Seattle are a little cutthroat and I can't shake the feeling that I'm choosing the "wrong" song when I hand in my slip of Disney music or the Grease soundtrack instead of Madonna or Queen. And of course waiting for hours while other people butcher songs that you loved at one point in your life can be somewhat maddening. However, I discovered a solution to this Karaoke Dilemma. You Tube.

Thanks to the internet people rarely have to get up to do ANYTHING, provided that their Big Gulp is resting only a mere foot or so from the computer. And now, thanks to the internet, I can karaoke in the comfort of my own home! Pick a song, any song....

just let me know when you're ready....

okay....

HERE WE GO: (excellent choice by the way)


PLUS


And it is a wonder we went to bed at all.

Saturday was spent almost as productively. Pretzel Rolls!

I modified the recipe slightly by stuffing them with Chedder Daiya (the vegan cheese of the Gods) and Hickory Smoked Tofurky Turkey (a delicious option as far as meat analogues go).

The result was so delightful that I made another batch on Sunday and just ate one while typing this.



Now, imagine biting into that and getting a mouthful of melted cheese and, um, hot meat... Yes, go bake some! Granted, it's not the best picture, but if it were any better you would lick the screen.

It's Raining Again!

I left my rain boots on the sidewalk today.

There's more to this story and it starts with a Target gift card. In August, my loving mother sent me a Target Gift Card to celebrate my move across town. For months I pondered what to purchase and then discovered a pair of bright red rain boots. I fell in love. I imagined myself in adorable dresses with an equally adorable raincoat (that I was going to have to purchase at some point) walking around Seattle without a care in the world. It's raining? Excellent!

So, in November, I purchased the boots.

Super cute, yes? Yes.

They lasted an hour and a half. Okay, fine, they lasted 3 weeks---if that---before they ripped open and the heel started to come off. After breaking down in tears and watching my dream of becoming this girl

disappear into the gutters of downtown Seattle, I decided I would remedy the situation with (what else?!) DUCT TAPE! And zebra striped duct tape at that.

Turns out, zebra striped duct tape was not the answer. Instead, it was a pair of manly rubber boots from Value Village for $6.99!

They are appropriately called Muck Boots because that is what they are - shit. The first time I wore them was not unlike what I imagine foot binding in imperialistic China to feel like. After work I was forced to spend ANOTHER gift card from my mom (this one to Old Navy) on a pair of shoes that didn't feel like torture devices.

After having to wear slippers for 2 weeks and not being able to sleep lest the sheet brushed against my feet one would think that I'd have buried those boots in the backyard, doused the grave with kerosene and had my own little bonfire; however, one would be wrong. Instead, I left them lined up against the wall sandwiched between my red boots covered in zebra striped duct tape and my blue striped rain boots covered in teal duct tape. (Both from Target. I am sensing a horrific pattern here.)

This morning I awoke to the sound of rain. It was 4:00 AM and my only hope was that by the time I left for work at 8:00 it would have stopped. Hours later I lay in bed, listening to the rain and hitting my snooze button. I sat and contemplated my footwear options. My plan of attack was to double my socks (and wear the really thick hiking socks---and why I own those I really couldn't tell you. The last time I went hiking was in 2005 and it consisted of walking 20 feet from this really cute cabin I was renting to the hot tub in the backyard. The backyard was really woody, though, and the walk back was uphill). So, I squeezed my super padded feet into the muck boots and went on my merry way.

It was AMAZING! There was no pain. All my problems were solved. Again, I imagined myself in adorable dresses with my new muck boots. I'd make it work!

Approximately 15 minutes later my boots began to fill up with blood as I felt my heels being ripped to shreds. WHAT?! My precious heels had been unaffected during my first trek in these shit boots.

And that was when I lost my mind a little bit.

I found a bench. Sat down. Heaved off the boots and left them there. I may have flipped them off, but my memory is a little fuzzy.

Luckily I had packed shoes with me. Lucky considering the fact that normally I wear my rain boots to work and promptly change into the slippers that I keep under my desk until it's time to leave again. However, I probably would've sucked it up and walked, er hiked, to work in my thick socks if it meant STILL BEING ABLE TO WALK.

My heels are healing (har har har) and I'm hopeful that someone found the muck boots and can actually wear them. Tomorrow I am just going to duct tape my entire foot and not bother with boots.