Life inside the Matrix

Oh, this day is a beast.

My eyes are starting to feel like the bar-code scanning machine at the grocery store and the library. And I just scratched a bite on my leg to the point of drawing blood. And I still have 1 hour and 20 minutes left of work.

Things that I am looking forward to because in spite of This Day life in general is pretty great:

1. Tonight I am going to Robocop at Central Cinema! How I have never seen Robocop in it's entirety is absurd. Patrick says it is one of the saddest movies he has ever seen. I am looking forward to drinking beer and having a good cry. However, as far as robot movies go, nothing can be as much of a tearjerker as:

2. At long last I have replaced my broken and outdated (prescription wise---NOT fashion wise) eyeglasses! Because my lens strength is attempting to correct practical blindness, the glasses won't be ready until next week or so. Nonetheless, it is one more thing to mark of my imaginary to-do list.

3. I have several "projects" in mind that I will be undertaking within the next week. Said projects are of a top-secret nature and will be revealed upon completion and receipt by affected parties. (I a) watch too many Bond movies and b) work in a lawyer's office).

4. My bed has clean sheets!

5. I have updated my blog TWO DAYS IN A ROW!!!!

PDX-cellent Anniversary!

Seeing as how mid-March is rapidly becoming late March, I have decided to update the ol' blog. Who knew it would be so difficult to write everyday? Oh, wait, Nano!

Patrick and I recently celebrated our 4 year anniversary. Shock and awe! We decided to take the train to Portland and spend money on food and booze and arcade games in celebration. It was time and money well spent. I could've used about 2 extra days and maybe one more dip in the hot tub, but overall the trip was great fun!

This was our train riding kit, or Trainkit:

It had everything we could possibly need for a 3.5 hour journey after a full day of work. Yes, that is 7 hour energy as opposed to the weaker, 5 hour stuff. Originally the mustard was for the pretzels, but it soon became apparent that not only do Patrick and I share a deep and meaningful love for one another, we also share a deep and meaningful love of condiments and eating them directly out of the package. And the orange is for health reasons, obviously.

Our first stop post train station was Plan B. 

John @ Plan B - Photo by Kyle Ritter

I don't know John, or Kyle, but I found this photo online and it pretty much sums up the bar. Joyce's boyfriend's band played and it was stellar! I even got to record the show because Joyce forgot her ID and couldn't get into the bar. SO SAD, but she made it back in time for the last song and that's great news! 

Joyce and I played a couple of intense games of Jenga, Patrick played pool and we finished off the evening with 2 giant pizzas from Sizzle Pie. I didn't get a picture of the pizzas because they disappeared RIGHT BEFORE OUR EYES! 

The rest of the weekend was a blur of good food, GREAT friends and some pretty spectacular thrift store finds!

Our next Portland Adventure will hopefully be for Memorial Day weekend. I did not spend ANY time at the food carts, which I happen to love more than anything---sorry, Patrick. There are also several bakeries that need my support. And, of course, the hot tub. I LOVE YOU PORTLAND! (And Jeremy and Joyce!)

When did mid-March happen?

I'm doing a stand-up job blogging! Just kidding. I actually forgot that I had a blog until I got an e-mail from the public library telling me that all those young adult books I checked out weeks ago are due. Oops! I read them though, and that is a success story.

My wonderful and amazing mother came to visit last week! She stayed for 3 nights and it was jam packed. We went to the a drag show, down to the market, and drank Bloody Mary's and beer! Truth be told, my favorite part of the visit was Winston.

He is Jack's new dog. Jack is super lucky. Winston loves beer and sleeping; he hates garbage trucks, but is fond of sea gulls. It is like we are destined to be best friends forever. 

Can we talk for a minute about how much I love The Moonlight Cafe? SO much. Now, can we talk about how much I dislike Kai's in the U-District? When given the choice I will always choose a dive bar over some place trendy and/or hip. I am that person. Kai's seemed like the perfect place to quench my Bloody Mary thirst and that is how my mom, myself and 6 others ended up there last Friday morning. It was sunny outside, but inside it was dark and quiet. The walls were deep red and the patrons consisted of a couple on their way out and a middle-aged man eating french fries at the bar. So far, so good.

The bar tender was older, maybe 45-50, and he came out and helped us push together some tables. And that was the extent of his kindness. It would be an understatement to say that he was abhorred when all we wanted were drinks. Kai's was rumored to have phenomenal Bloody Mary's, so I eagerly anticipated the arrival of my drink. Now, it was not a bad drink, but it was lacking in the garnish department---which is my favorite part, and there was no straw. I don't know if that's just "Ellen being crazy" or if straws in drinks are something that is okay to expect, but it was sort of difficult to drink out of the glass with a 1/2 inch of salt creeping into my nostrils. Out of sheer guilt, my mom and I ordered fries. They were garlic shoestring fries and  pretty standard. Delicious. Mmmm.....garlic. The reason I will never go back (which is probably untrue, but I definitely won't seek out this destination for future U-District outings) is because of the mean old man bartender. Those damn drinks cost just as much as the food on the menu. He was glare-y and disapproving and made me feel like I was paying with Monopoly money. (Okay, that my mom was paying with Monopoly money, but still.)

In a mere 75 minutes I will be rendezvousing at the library to pick up my fake beard/mustache combo for the Purim party at my house tomorrow. I will be dressing as Haman and eating delicious hamentaschen and drinking wine. Pictures to follow.  

I leave you with this:

Internal Affairs

I am not sure who I have to thank, (Patrick) but I am now the proud owner of an AMAZING stomach virus! It's been pretty fantastic. I imagine my insides to look something like this:

So angry. So unhappy. So surrounded my Pepto Bismol.

My most cherished memory of sickness comes from 1994. What a great year. Tonya Harding put Nancy Kerrigan in her place...with a hit man and a crow bar, Schindler's List won the Oscar for Best Picture, Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman experienced The Wrath of OJ, and Lisa Marie and Michael Jackson got married. In the sleepy town of Billings, Montana my 6th grade class was playing a rousing game of Around The World!

Around the World is competitive mathematics. It involves everyone sitting at their desks (or, THE WORLD) and one student standing behind each individual--one at a time--and racing that student to the math answer to the question projected onto the white board from the old, clunky projector in the middle of  THE WORLD. If the seated student wins he/she takes over as the World Traveler and the game goes on and on and on.

I was not feeling well that day and instead of participating I had decided to lay my head down. Eventually my teacher woke me up. Eventually, as in the game had ended, the lights had been turned on, kids were dragging their desks back to their spots and I was still dead asleep next to the projector.

I ambled home shortly thereafter, informed my parent's that I didn't feel well and went to bed for three days- hoping that my God awful stomach pain would subside. After three days of sleep and little else, I emerged from my cave of a bedroom dehydrated and starving. My stomach felt fine! I was cured! My mom made a bed on the couch for me and I devoured Ramen noodles (always a favorite) and an orange soda. The soda was probably Gatorade, now that I think about it, but whatever it was it tasted like the sweet nectar had only by unicorns, leprechauns and now me.

This joy, this comfort, lasted all of 17 minutes. The Ramen Noodles had been maggots! The orange nectar, poison! My body immediately rejected the feast and I feared that I would never get better. Perhaps I was an alien and could no longer survive in this host body. Maybe tomorrow I would wake up an inchworm, searching for a new pod. I'm pretty sure I had a fever.

At this point, my mom realized that if it turned out I wasn't an alien then surely there was a need to go to the doctor. And so we did. And Dr. Gunville told me within seconds that 1) my appendix had ruptured and 2) I needed to be in surgery yesterday.

This is what I imagine my insides looked like:

It felt exactly like that, too, especially when the doctor made me JUMP. I was in surgery within 10 minutes and my angry appendix was scraped out. And then I got to stay in the hospital for even LONGER because the little trooper infected me.

1994. Definitely a good year! And, magically, I feel so much better now.

In my dreams I'm beautiful. [flicks open two switchblades] And bad!

Valentine's Day was a little anticlimactic this year; more so than usual considering I don't really "celebrate". I had grandiose plans of making cake, but it didn't happen. Patrick got sick, so instead of baking I went to the store and got bread, Sprite and this.

Sigh. Poor Patrick.

On the up side, I made myself a delicious bowl of Ramen Noodles complete with tofu, onions and tomatoes and finally watched Inception.

I think I may be the last person on the planet to watch Inception. I was so excited, super ready for 2 1/2 hours of mind-blowing amazement.

Hm.

Perhaps if I hadn't heard anything about it I would have enjoyed it more. I actually did enjoy it, but it tried really hard to be ACTION PACKED and EXTREME while at the same time really deep and wrought with emotion. In reality it reminded me of a cross between A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors, and that Robin Williams movie, What Dreams May Come.

Given the choice I will pick Freddy Krueger EVERY TIME, but Inception wasn't bad. And my fancy Ramen was really good, so I can't complain. I am officially rescheduling Valentine's Day to Thursday. That is, I will be making a cake on Thursday and purchasing some discounted Valentine's to hand out next year. 

Books, check 'em out.

My roommate and her friend recently started this fantastic blog.

Young Adult fiction is, freakishly, my favorite genre. It's right up there with books about eating disorders and Jodi Picoult. My brother the librarian loves me--especially when I ask him to pick up my library holds.

After reading through all the entries and quietly crying at my desk because there were no new posts, I decided to reflect on all of my favorite Young Adult reads.

And so it goes:

1. Stepping on the Cracks - Mary Downing Hahn

I distinctly remember not being able to put this book down when I was eleven; World War II and Judaism also ranking high on the list of topics I enjoy reading about. The story follows two friends in a small southern town as they deal with brothers who are at war, and the school bully who has a HUGE SECRET! Duhn, duhn, duuuuuuuhn!

2. Wait Till Helen Comes - Mary Downing Hahn

Thank you Ms. Hahn for being awesome. In the one hand we have World War II, and in the other we've got ghost children. Sign me up! This book was another page-turner and probably still is. The story is about a family who moves to a giant farm house that used to be an old convent. There is a spoooooky cemetery nearby where the narrator's bratty, annoying, younger step-sibling is mysteriously drawn. So, the step-sister is, like, 5 years old but the picture on the jacket makes her look way older. And I also remember kind of wanting that sweatshirt.

3. Help, Pink Pig! - C.S. Adler

I love tiny things! Tiny furniture, Legos, Christmas ornaments...I could go on and on. This book is about a tiny, quartz pig who is MAGICAL. Yes, a tiny, magical pig made out of quartz. Amanda, the girl who owns him, can be transported into his enchanted kingdom full of knights and other magical things whenever she feels lonely. The enchanted world of Pink Pig mirrors Amanda's world, and some of her other miniatures are there too! I am pretty sure there is a tiny pony. Somehow it all ties together, but all I really remember and care about are the tiny magical miniatures.

4. Time Windows - Kathryn Reiss & The Dollhouse Murders - Betty Ren Wright

I am lumping these two together because a) the pictures are of a crappy quality and can't really stand alone and b) they are similar in the fact that they are both about creepy, haunted doll-houses! When I told you I loved tiny things, I wasn't lying. Apparently, I also love ghost children. I won't go into too much detail on these gems, but rest assured they are terrifying. Time Windows gave me the heebie jeebies when I re-read it years later, too.

Honestly, I could do this all day, but I am discovering that the majority of the books I loved as a young adult are all pretty similar. Betty Ren Wright also wrote another book that I loved called, Christina's Ghost. Yes, it involves ghost children, and no, there is no doll-house. And now I am off to place holds on every single one of these!

Q: What did Frankenstein say to his girlfriend? A: “Be my valenstein!”

Valentine's Day is bizarre. The only time I have ever truly enjoyed celebrating it was in elementary school; and even then it was because my mom would buy me a little box of chocolates and decorate my bedroom with construction paper hearts (yeah, she's pretty great like that).

One year I got an Orchid for Valentine's Day from the Safeway near my house (and my boyfriend's house---COINCIDENTALLY!). It was an awesome gift and I managed to keep it alive for awhile. And then I over watered it and now it sits, potted and dead on Patrick's windowsill. It's a reminder of how we feel about Valentine's Day.

This year I am going to bake a cake and decorate it like a giant conversation heart. I need suggestions for the "conversation" part, however. There are The Classics: Be Mine, Kiss Me, etc. And then there are some new and improved Millennium Conversations: In The Mood, E-Mail Me and Romeo (lame!). The Beauty of making a Conversation Heart Cake is that I can tailor it to my own Valentine's Day whims and desires.

Cupid's Creepy

Drink My Sperm

Remember the Massacre

Those are my top three as of right now, and don't worry, I will post the end result.